When you think about it, it’s kind of ironic. There’s a very valid argument to be made that Greek culture laid the roots for the existence of today’s developed-market democracies. That’s right: The developed free world as we know it owes its existence to a collection of islands with less square mileage than New York state.
At the same time, modern Greece’s failed economic policies could kick off the next financial apocalypse. Greece giveth, and Greece taketh away?
An October 2010 article in Vanity Fair by Michael Lewis offered a revealing look at a country where tax evasion is the norm, workers for the (bankrupt) state-run railroad are among the best-paid citizens, government financial statistics are whatever the current regime thinks they should be and a bunch of monks can walk away with the $1 billion in federally owned land without anyone being able to fully explain how they did it.
Dysfunctional doesn’t even begin to cover the situation. Dr. Phil probably falls asleep at night dreaming about leading an intervention with Christine LaGarde, Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy. (Greece: “Everything is under control. I don’t have a problem!” LaGarde: “We can’t continue to watch you binge like a sailor on shore leave in Bangkok. We’re cutting you off, because we love you—and because we don’t want you to trigger the collapse of Western civilization as we know it.” Greece: “You’re not the boss of me!”)
With Greeks rioting to protest proposed reforms, Europe’s central banks wringing their hands and all sorts of mean people saying we should just let the country default on its debts or demand further austerity measures, we at the Journal of Indexes have put our heads together to humbly suggest a few possible solutions:
- Eat more yogurt. Greek yogurt is what all the healthy people are eating these days—or so the guy at Whole Foods told me. If we all make a conscious choice to eat nutritious Greek yogurt, we’ll take a huge chunk out of Greece’s $400 billion-plus national debt in no time, in addition to building stronger bones and staving off osteoporosis!
- Sell off a few islands. There were rumors a while back that the country would take just such an action, but the Greek government quickly squelched them. But is it really such a bad idea? According to Wikipedia, Greece is made up of more than 6,000 islands. Six thousand! They’re practically commodities—or would be if Greece could export them. But what could the Greeks possibly be doing with all of them? Some of those islands don’t even have people living on them. In fact, we ordinary citizens here in the U.S. would probably take up a collection to buy one of the islands just so we could exile some choice people there, like Donald Trump, Nancy Grace and the Kardashians.
- Ask the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation for a really big loan. Sure, the foundation is currently using its dollars to keep children from dying in the Third World, but we’re talking about preserving a way of life here! If the Greek dream of retiring at 50 (if you’re a woman) or 55 (if you’re a guy) fizzles out, it’s a slippery slope to preventing medical professionals from taking home toilet paper from hospitals and teachers from calling in sick when they’d rather not work.
- Convert all Greek sovereign debt into IOUs. Written on the backs of cocktail napkins. Greece promises to pay you back. It really really does. Just as soon as it gets paid next week. And by the way, can it crash on your couch tonight? Just for one night . . .
- Send out a chain email from an Athenian prince, requesting recipients’ bank account information. What? You mean it didn’t work for that guy in Nigeria?
|
2012
