Tired of getting just average returns? Worried about what will happen to your portfolio the next time the market plunges into a fiery chasm? Hoping to make a gazillion dollars without burning too many precious calories or brain cells?
Do we have a solution for you!
The Ronko Alterna-matic™ adds diversification and noncorrelated returns to your portfolio with just the push of a button. Utilizing the most sophisticated Magic-8 Ball randomization technology available, the Ronko Alterna-matic™ selects a customized portfolio of alternative investments just for you! It’s like having your own hedge fund manager in your own home!
Ed here is a professional foosball player looking to retire on his bar tournament winnings. He has it wisely invested in a balanced portfolio of Google stock, Greek bonds and Japanese yen. But he needs something to ensure that it doesn’t tank should the no-longer-unthinkable happen. But PRESTO! With the push of a button, the Ronko Alterna-matic™ has the diversification solution for Ed!
It recommends an alternative investment portfolio of 35 percent in baseball cards, 25 percent in Franklin Mint commemorative coins, 20 percent in original paintings purchased at flea markets, 15 percent in vintage concert T-shirts and 5 percent in baked goods resembling celebrities.
What a combo! Pure genius! You’d better start shopping for your own tropical island now, Ed, because you will be retiring in style!
Our other guest, Thelma, is a golf ball diver who hopes to run her own miniature golf course in her retirement. Thelma, let’s see what the Ronko Alterna-matic™ advises for you!
Ooooh! Look at that! Isn’t it amazing? This spectacular device recommends a portfolio that is 50 percent invested in ownership of a racehorse named Toxic Bunny, 30 percent in bouillon (yes, that’s chicken stock, not gold), 15 percent in the Mauritanian ouguiya, 3 percent in a time share in the Poconos and 2 percent in lottery tickets.
And that’s not all this genius invention can do! The Ronko Alterna-matic™ is equipped with a nonstick surface and an inner heating coil. Just pick your favorite bread and your favorite sandwich fixings, and voila! Look at that panini, toasted to golden perfection!
How much would you expect to pay an actual qualified asset manager for an alternative investment (not to mention a tasty sandwich)? Most firms charge two and twenty, but have we got a deal for you! Not two and twenty! Not 1.99 and 19.99! And not one and 19 either! How about TWO-TWENTY? Yes, you heard correctly—that’s TWO DOLLARS and TWENTY CENTS! For a flat fee of $2.20, you too can purchase the Ronko Alterna-matic™ and all its financial acuity!
PLUS if you act now, we’ll throw in the Ronko Can Opener™, with extra-large handles that make it easier for elderly hands to open cat food cans at lunchtime. That’s right, you get the Ronko Alterna-matic™ AND the Ronko Can Opener™, all for TWO DOLLARS and TWENTY CENTS!