It’s the dirty little secret of the index community—none of us understands the Dow. Sure, we can tell you what’s in it, but its allure as a touchstone for the entire global stock market seems inexplicable. We spend ages running sophisticated quant models, and then we turn to a price-weighted, overconcentrated benchmark handpicked by a gaggle of journalists when we refer to “the market.”

Enough is enough. The editors of the Journal of Indexes decided to get to the bottom of the Dow’s Svengali-like grasp of the stock market world the only way we knew how: subterfuge. Thus, we present this transcript of a recent meeting of the Dow Jones indexing cabal, obtained through secret wiretaps in the DJIA Containment Bunker. Unfortunately, the identities of this “star chamber” remain unknown.

(Door opening)

Mr. Black: Mr. Pink, you’re late.

Mr. Pink: If you had to be Mr. Pink, you’d be late too.

Black: You got Pink fair and square. After all, you picked Bank of America to enter the index in 2008. We saw how that turned out.

Ms. White: Can we get on with things? We’re all here now.

Black: I hereby call this meeting of the Dow Jones Index Oversight Committee to order. I remind my esteemed colleagues that this meeting is to be held in strictest confidence. We’ve maintained the illusion that this is an “editorial” decision for far too long to blow it now.

Ms. Brown: So GM’s out. Next?

Black: It’s not that simple and you know it. General Motors has been part of our plan for over 80 years. Should we not mourn its passing with a moment of silence?

(Sighs, a brief pause.)

Brown: Right. Well then, all those in favor of UPS?

White: You’re kidding, right? We’re already under fire for being behind the times. I’m thinking health care.

Brown: You aren’t talking Amgen again, are you?

White: What’s wrong with Amgen? Are we or are we not trying to represent the real American economy?

Pink: Oh that’s a good one. The American economy. Have you seen the American economy lately? Personally, I think it’s time we diversify. All these companies are international anyway.

Black: Mr. Pink, we’ve been through this before. You are NOT getting Toyota into this index on my watch.

Pink: Come on, do we like cars or do we not like cars? Who are you going to put in then, Ford?

Black: Actually, I was going to suggest that.

Pink: Have you driven a Ford lately? I’m guessing no, Mr. Lexus.

Brown: Well, OK, then how about Google? I mean, Google’s just awesome. I never get spam anymore since I switched to Gmail.

Pink: You should be off this committee. How can you suggest Google after you convinced us to boot Chevron for Intel in ’99?

White: He’s right, Brown. We’ll never live down Chevron. Out in 1999, back in 2008, 140% higher. Nice work.

Black: Allow me to make a less controversial suggestion. B of A for Wells Fargo.

Brown: Can I get a ride in the Stagecoach?

Black: Of course. So that’s done then. Better than the last one we did.

Pink: Hey, Kraft was a good call.

Black: Oh right. I remember that argument vividly: “Google’s fun to play around with, but the country really runs on cheese.”

White: So then, for GM’s slot, we have Amgen?

Black: Actually, I was thinking Goldman.

White: Are you serious? Goldman? Half the country doesn’t even know what Goldman does!

Black: That’s the beauty of it. Nobody can argue effectively against what they don’t understand.

(Mutterings. Silence.)

White: Can you promise me we’ll look at Amgen next time?

Black: Let’s not be hasty. This whole “biotech” thing might just be a fad.

Brown: Just like Gates said about the Internet.