The Future Of ETFs
Humor
 For preventing the Investments of American Investors from being a Burden to their Bank Accounts or their Country, and for making them Beneficial to the Public:
It is a melancholy object to those who wander these financial markets, when they see the streets, roads and bank doors of Wall Street crowded with individual investors, followed by three, four or six more, all in rags and importuning every passer-by for an alms for their 401(k)s.
I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious loss of trust in the markets is in the present deplorable state of the U.S. a very great additional grievance; and therefore, whoever could find a fair, cheap and easy method of making these investors sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up on Wall Street.
I therefore call upon members of Congress, the Administration, the SEC and all other Regulatory Agencies to immediately enact the following Modest Proposals:
The No Investor Left Behind Act: This groundbreaking legislation would make financial literacy education a condition of federal funding for public schools. The curriculum, developed by a committee of academics from leading investment firms such as Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities, LLC and the Galleon Group, will cover the basic principles of how to invest wisely, how to evaluate expert opinion and how to sign up one’s paycheck for automatic contributions. To demonstrate the real-world value of leverage, NILBA-branded LunchMoney credit cards will be introduced in all federally funded Head Start programs.
The Commodities Redefinition Act: The popularity of gold- and oil-based ETFs has clearly indicated a growing unhealthy passion for investor independence. Thus, to prevent further this destructive spread of autonomy, the CRA would extend CFTC oversight to other areas of intense speculation, such as sports betting, fashion trends and talent competition reality shows. The revenue generated from Super Bowl futures, Lady Gaga Ego-Inflation Protected Bonds and American Idol iTunes downloads would be used to fund …
… The SEC Leverage Calculation Service: The obscure alchemy by which leveraged and inverse ETF returns are calculated—with arithmetic so arcane and inscrutable as “multiply by two, reset daily”—would be simplified through the mechanisms of a centralized computary service. Calculations of daily net asset values and swap contract benchmarks would be outsourced to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, who would assign values to leveraged and inverse funds according to best estimates, intense scholarly debate, hedonic regression and current weather patterns.
A Treasury Office of ETFs: Investor demand for transparent, liquid and low-minimum investment exchange-traded vehicles is obvious. To that end, the Treasury department will simplify the means by which investors may acquire Treasury debt by eliminating the artifice of institutional auctions and issuing Treasury debt directly to investors. For this very reasonable service, the Treasury intends to charge a very reasonable 150 basis points.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good. I have no investments by which I could propose to get a single penny; my smallest fund near $1 billion in assets and my wife past American Idol-watching age.
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